wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Finally, a door that understands me
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.