Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”