Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3