*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Well, this is awkward
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers