“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired