People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
You Might Also Like
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.