[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Happy thanksgiving!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.