OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
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News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself