if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house