I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
can’t bark with your mouth full
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.