Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I’ll be mad as hell!
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years