Sending in my taxes
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Check your privilege
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
hey, alexa
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs