[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The Friday File.
this is literally a CIA plant
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
When someone says you are so lazy
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?