6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?