The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
bad news gang
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.