I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.