I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175