Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Customize Your Wedding.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.