I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.