Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.