Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?