Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.