My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
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If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Not today, today.
Not today.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup