That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Single and childfree like Jesus
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Life with a cat in one tweet
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.