Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Did my cat write this
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”