It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids