Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away