Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
This fish is cracking me up
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes