[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The cashier just checked me out.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!