Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
not for long
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
I have obtained a hat
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Just me?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I hope it’s French Onion!