In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
prepare for carbonated trouble
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*