“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
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No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
guilty
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.