You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Good morning!
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
there’s probably a fee though
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂