Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
guilty
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Found my door mat
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.