Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office