Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
OH. COME. ON.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end