When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?