Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume