If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Home is where your toilet is.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you