While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs