Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
You Might Also Like
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?