The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.