*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
You Might Also Like
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.