Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Who does Amazon think I am?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE