Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.