No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.