The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.