i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
You Might Also Like
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?