My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
omg leave her alone
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.