“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
…u ok Nintendo?
Always…
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.